-The blown job-
After months of nuanced body language and flexting (flirty texts), I finally got my chance to take out Jennifer S. She was seemingly the girl next door type but she had a sharp tongue and mischievous eyes that revealed a not so virginal side to her. Going on dates was not new to me but I can’t recall ever feeling so preemptively nervous, distracted and off kilter. Instead of keeping constructively busy I found myself pleasuring myself significantly more than usual... eating into time I should have been dedicated to adulting.
The days passed and date night grew closer. I racked my brain planning the perfect scenario to woo Jennifer into submission. A reservation at Georgios restaurant, a moonlit walk along the water, a 2 person ice cream Sunday at ice kingdom cafe, and an end of the night a kiss at her door where I pulled her in tight and caressed her face. It was going to be perfect and she was gonna go Gaga for me.
Long story short, date night finally arrived and I made my way to her house, perfectly quaffed and feathered, pea-cocked to the Max.
I tapped on Jennifer’s door and a moment later she greeted me. Just as I had envisioned, she looked marvelous. I happily ushered her to my car and asked if she was ready to have fun. Without a peep, Jennifer grabbed me, kissed my lips hard and instantly put her hands down my pants. I was taken aback by Jennifer’s aggressive sexuality. This was not the girl next door I imagined serving warm milk to kittens, Jennifer was the kitten, a sex kitten, a minx! Jennifer yanked me into the back of the car and we barreled towards sex. Jennifer pulled out a condom and lubricant, got on all fours and faced away from me, whispered for me to take her from behind.
As if a gun was fired and a race began, I put the condom on as fast as I could. Next, I attempted to apply lube. I repeatedly squeezed the bottle but nothing came out. Jennifer sensually told me to hurry up and wiggled her bare butt in front of me to my immense delight but still I continued to struggle. With each passing moment I could feel my erection diminishing and Jennifer’s energy fleeting. My nerves were getting the best of me and I squeezed the bottle harder and harder until “Pop!”. What sounded like a tire blow out was followed by a geyser of slippery lubricant- lubricant that Coated the inside of the car and Jennifer’s body, clothes, and hair. What was going to be the sexual pinnacle of my life was instantly the star attraction in my life’s sex blooper reel. Jennifer was infuriated and slid back into her clothes. She Fled back into her house and screamed some explicatives my way. I made an attempt to convince her to reconsider but the damage was down, the moment had passed forever. I was left with nothing more than a semi boner and a slip and slide car interior. When the shock had finally passed, I sat in my car, bewildered by the unfortunate events of my now busted date. I examined the lube bottle To see where I went wrong and discovered the issue when I unscrewed the top. Right away I saw it, the ambiguous yet treacherous thorn in my side. The culprit was the safety seal- the tiny cover under the lid to prevent preemptive leakage had blown open. I couldn’t help but think there has to be a better way!